Pretend I am Shelby...

From Steel Magnolias. Remember that movie? It is by far one of my favorites. I tried watching it again a few nights ago, but couldn't. It was too upsetting for me. Anyway, hopefully you've seen it so this post means something to you..if not here's the lowdown. (Well, first if you haven't seen it..see it!) Anyway, Shelby (Julia Roberts) is a type 1 diabetic, and the story centers around her life as well as that of her mother and her mother's deep southern friends. Shelby gets married and has a baby (Jackson..Yes, that is where my child Jackson got his name..from this movie:)) even though it is really hard on her body with her brittle diabetes and against her mother's wishes for her to do so. The pregnancy (which I have recently learned just as I thought that it is so tough on diabetic women to birth children..someone I know has a friend that was left blind in one eye from having her daughter..totally worth it but still...) takes a huge toll on Shelby and in fact leaves her needing dialysis and a kidney transplant. Her mother (my favorite Sally Fields) offeres to undergo the surgery to give her a kidney. The day before the procedure, Shelby gets all her hair chopped off. :) Okay, she gets a haircut. For some reason ever since Jackson was diagnosed the way she described the haircut is forever burned into my brain. Shelby in her sweet, southern voice explains, "Momma, I just felt the need to simplify things. Make things simple." *Okay I need to digress here that it has been ages since I have seen the whole movie so I am using quotations and my description here lightly.* Anyway, basically, Shelby gets her haircut because her life is about to take a major turn as she will recover from a kidney transplant and care for her toddler son all the while still a type 1 diabetic herself. (note, I said kidney transplant not pancreas.)

Anyway....my decision to homeschool really was my "haircut." This might make lots of sense or none. :) Hopefully I haven't lost too many of you. I just needed to make some things simple after the whirlwind of Jackson's new diagnosis. Only weeks later, he started school. The sugars weren't stable. The relationship with the school had some ups and downs. There was lots of miscommunication that I now see ways I could have handled things differently, but hindsight IS 20/20 afterall. I was so, so, so overintent in making sure Jackson did not feel "different" at all so much that I killed myself. I was so sick at my stomach when he was away from me, and it just wasn't worth it! There wasn't anything he was getting at the school he could not get at home. Even socialization. Yes, I am still killing myself :), but you get my drift. If you have a child that attends school, you know the beginning of a new school year and getting settled in is hard even if there aren't any special circumstances going on. Maybe I gave up too soon..who knows.

Anyway...I am getting off topic. My main point here is this..I am overwhelmed. Is it because of homeschooling? I have thought alot about that..and the answer is definitely no. Is it because of the diabetes? Sure. Is it because Preston is a full fledged terrible two year old? Yes. Is it because I am OCD? Sure. Is it because I am too busy? Absolutely. Is it because I have filled my plate too full? Definitely. Is this the time of year where I always feel like this even before diabetes was involved? YES.

So, I am trying to take some steps back and save myself. From what? Hmm..my kids putting me in a nuthouse, a heart attack, a divorce, a nervous breakdown??? I don't know. I just know I have always been a "list maker" and an overachiever. But, I think diabetes just may have been the cliffhanger to make me see how much. In addition, it made me worse simply because it was more work and more things to be successful at. I said right after Jackson was diagnosed, that this might really be God's way of reprioritizing my life. I believed it at the moment. And, felt it deep in my core. Then, for some reason things got a little stable and routine with the diabetes, and I decided to keep trucking on the old way. And, I am now drowning. It is with great reservation that I admit that here on the world wide web. But, I have to. I have to let people around me know that there will be some changes..albeit maybe small and slow at first..coming. I am undecided yet what all will change. But, one thing I do know...

In trying to be "supermom" you can and will lose the whole perspective and point at hand if you are not careful. I knew that even before I had children, but it still happpens. The point at hand I am referring to is your children. Your children need your love, support, and acceptance, and time. It doesn't matter if that time is at the soccer field or in your living room. If you are rushing your children out the door to be on time for storytime at the library, and you fall from running so fast (happened to me this week), and die from bad injuries or something else horrible (didn't happen...yet:)), then are you really putting your children first? Nope. Will they survive missing library storytime? Yes. Will they survive you dying getting them there? Okay, well yes. But you get the difference.

So, this post was at first going to be about how blogging was the first thing I was "giving up." I struggled with my decision and for now have decided not to close my blog. I started it after all for several reasons one being I love to write. However, having said that..the posts might be only pictures sometimes. And, they might be fewer and far between. I will admit one main reason I am leaving it up is because of Preston. I really OCD about trying to keep things "even" between my children. Yes, it is painstakingly stupid and impossible. But, I hate the lack of "screen time" he often gets. It was already like that before the diagnosis for Jackson simply because a one or barely two year old child sometimes doesn't have that much to write about. And, what they might I sometimes forget later in the day because it was something he said or did really quick when I was really busy and things were hectic. But, as he gets older, he has a "life" now. And, he deserves to be blogged about, too. :)

So, anyway, this is really long. Really honest. And, sounds really crazy to alot of you I am sure. Especially if you a) aren't a mom b) only have one child or c) aren't ocd or type a personality. But, just know that I am a mom (who is type a and ocd), with two kids (who I so wrongly spoiled the crap out of), who has had to stomach the fact that I am not "Felicia, the successful pharmacist" anymore, trying to keep her family (and well okay myself, too) happy, healthy, and safe. Am I always successful? Nope. Do I often screw up and feel guilty later (i.e. yell at my kids)? Oh, yes! But, am I devoted? ABSOLUTELY!