Change is Good... (and Part II)

I cannot believe I just said that. I am SO not "into" change. Ask anyone who knows me well. Actually my husband tries to find a nice way to putting it, but all he can come up with is that I am "inflexible." Ok. I'll take that. Because I know it is true.

Alot has changed in my life in the past six months, and I am gradually learning to accept those old adages in life such as:

1. This too shall pass.
2. I can do this.
3. We will make it through.
4. Don't sweat the small stuff.
5. God will carry me.

And, so I figured why not add #6: Change is good.

Want to hear the biggest change?

I am re-enrolling Jackson into private school to finish out the year in 4K.

Yes, you are not heavily medicated. You read that right.

We were going to send him again in August anyway, and honestly not a whole lot could change between now and then to make it any easier then. He really finally opened up to me about how he does miss school. I knew it already deep down but discussing it with him brought tears to my eyes. I cannot hold him back. I know that. Paul knows that. But, Paul and I did what we had to do in September when we took him out. Was it for us? Was it just for me? Was it for Jackson? Really I don't know how to fully answer those questions. But, I know the middle one is true. It WAS for me. That is how I explained it to Jackson, too. I had to do what I had to do to survive so I could take care of him.

Amazingly, we have made it six months. While caring for his diabetes surely isn't easy, I have learned not to look at him and cry. I have learned not to feel nauseated everytime I prick his finger awaiting the results. Sadly, I have also learned 29s and 34s can occur, but that he does recover from them if treated quickly.

I am very glad that when he mentions me removing him from school, he doesn't say, "Was it because of my diabetes?" I was so worried he'd always associate the two. And, so was his counselor at his doctor's office. But, he doesn't. Really he just thinks it was for me. And, well I always say he thinks I am crazy already, so he probably attributes it to that! (Paul assures me all sons eventually end up thinking their moms are nuts. After all, they live through the PMS each month in the same house.)

Someone asked today if I was excited? My answer was, "That's not really the adjective I feel. More like empowered. I feel like I have to do this. For me. For him." He will be entering a different class with a new teacher and new friends. (Although one child was in his 3K class.) I think in a way that stinks, and in a way that is good. A new, fresh start. Luckily, we all know he makes friends easily and bonds with adults quickly, so I know he will be fine. He wishes he was going back to the old JrK class (kind of like advanced 4K with older kids like his age), but I told them they couldn't save his spot. His eyes grew wide as he said, "Did they get a NEW student in my spot??" Man, he is too smart. As I explained the situation, he looked so agitated at me for taking him out. I of course introduced old adage #7 saying, "One day when you're older you'll understand." :)

He might be a bit ahead of some of the students in this class, but I am not sending him back for academic purposes for this year really. I am sending him back for the socialization and the relationship that he yearns for with other accepting adults. He loves his teachers. No matter who they are. And, he loves the attention he gets from them.

There are things I love, too. Like now we will have a spring program, a Valentine's exchange, Easter egg hunt, and Mother's Day Tea to look forward to. I have missed those things.

Plus, this will be a good test run to see how we think next year will go. Before we really make the final decision private vs public. So, this means that I will be the "school nurse" between now and May 21st.

So, this is definitely Part Two wouldn't you say? A new chapter?

And, what I want to end this post on, is the piece of part two I was wondering if I had posted the other day.

I wanted to share with you something Jackson asked me at Scottish Rite the day after he was diagnosed while we were downstairs washing my clothes at the hospital laundromat while I walked around the hospital in my pajamas still in shock.

He asked me: "Mommy, why would God make me do this? Why would God make me have diabetes?"

As my heart rose to my throat, and I desperately tried to swallow it back down, I fished around for the best answer when really deep down I was wondering the same question myself. I said, "Well, buddy, God knew some kids would have to have diabetes. That is just how it is. He had to choose some, and He chose you. You know why? Because He knew how strong you were, and He knew you could handle it. That's why He chose you, buddy."

And, so that is how I will wrap up part two..and the last part. Yes, God is smart. And all-knowing. He KNEW Jackson was strong, and that IS why He chose him. He has great plans for his life that we don't even have any inkling of yet. But...

I need to remember. God didn't JUST choose Jackson. He chose me, too. So...

I must be strong, too. I can handle it, too.